Tobi Induced Hilarity
by lifesbutawalkingshadow
Summary: Pein decides Akatsuki needs a shakeup and switches the Akatsuki teams around a little. Violence! Sarcasm! Overpowered Fangirls! More Violence! Rainbow Lollipops! All that, and more, found just inside. Turns into a story! Non-yaoi
1. Hilarity Begins

**[A/N: Futuristic chapter 6 version of me here. It's come to my attention that this chapter is potentially not as betterer as later installments. If I could request that you read through to the end of chapter 3 that would be great. If you still hate it by then, feel free to give up and lament your wasted time]**

Fiery torchlight flickered across the cold grey walls, giving the underground cavern a dark menacing feeling. The seven Akatsuki members stood around the stone table, intimidating and silent. Their imposing black cloaks hung motionless as they waited, red clouds glimmering in the firelight. There were two more members left to join the circle, two more members, then the meeting of the most feared organisation known to ninja could commenc...

"Hello Leader-kun!"

Startled, the S-Ranked missing nin looked towards the source of the sound. The entrance was flung open, sunlight and a man wearing a swirly orange mask entering the room. As he rushed over to the table and began bounding around like a puppy, a freaky, androgynous youth with yellow hair trailed in behind him.

"Tobi! Show some respect to the Leader, un!"

"But senpai senpai! Tobi is just so happy to come to his first annual Akatsuki meeting. Oh, Tobi is going to have so much fun! Is there food? Tobi demands sushi! Or soup! Shark fin soup! Tobi wants shark fin soup!"

"Tobi, shut u..."

"Stop."

As one the Akatsuki members turned towards the source of the voice. The Leader spoke again, his voice low and commanding.

"Tobi, sit down and be quiet. Deidara, drop the explosive spider. Kisame... put down Samehada."

Reluctantly, the blue shark-man lowered the gigantic scaled sword and began the slow, laborious task of rewrapping the bandages. Shark fin soup,could you get any more insensitive?

"The Akatsuki meeting is now in session."

"Yay!"

"Quiet Tobi, un!"

Konan mentally sighed, remembering back to when Akatsuki had consisted of only herself, Nagato, Kakuzu and Sasori. Sure Kakuzu and Sasori had their quirks, what with the heart eating and the human puppets, but these days Akatsuki seemed more like a comedy sitcom than the world's most feared organisation. Her train of thought was broken when Nagato continued addressing the group.

"Now first of all, is there any new business which needs to be addressed?"

"Tobi wants a funny hat!"

As Konan resisted the impulse to slam her head into a wall, Tobi's statement was met with a cry from Kakuzu.

"Do you think those just grow on trees? Giant straw hats like that are expensive! We don't give those to rookie members." Tobi nodded sagely in understanding, before coming to a realisation.

"Ah, so that is why you and Hidan-san don't wear them." Tobi beamed behind his mask at his own cleverness.

"I $&#%ing wish. It's because Uncle Scrooge here kept %#^&ing destroying them with his %#^&ing over the top freaky-ass mask attacks!" Hidan ranted, eager to take the opportunity to bad-mouth his partner.

"At least I don't pretend to love pain then whine like a little girl about how much having my hair pulled hurts." Kakuzu shot back.

"Misanthropic #%&$ing tightwad!"

"Oh, big words, you masochistic psychopath!"

"Deidara-senpai, Hidan-san and Kakuzu-san are scaring me!"

"Get the hell of me you masked idiot, un!

"Stiff little hoarder!"

"Freaky voodoo rip-off!"

"SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU!" Konan cried.

"Hn."

"THAT INCLUDES YOU UCHIHA!"

The raven-haired man nodded in acquiesce and returned to his silent, unknowable thoughts.

"We're an elite organisation of S-ranked missing nin. Act like it!" Konan finished her tirade and turned towards the Leader, nodded in appreciation and continued from where he had left off.

"Once again, is there any new business?"

All eyes turned towards Tobi who, although squirming with excitement and anticipation, this once had the foresight to keep his mouth shut. Perhaps unsurprisingly, it was Kakuzu spoke next.

"I propose that we can maximise financial efficiency by reducing the amount of money given out for use on missions. We're losing dozens of yen on expenses incurred during travel and let's not forget the incident with Kisame at that sushi restaurant. The owner was related to the Mizukage for Kami's sake, if he wasn't such a greedy pig we'd have had the entire village on our case. To illustrate my point, I've prepared a two hour long presentation which..."

"There will be no presentation" stated the Leader, his voice perhaps a touch faster than usual."

"But if we streamline the organisation..." Kakuzu attempted to continue.

"Akatsuki has NINE members! Why would we need to streamline the organisation?" queried Kisame.

"Don't bother." responded Hidan. "Trust me, he doesn't %#$&ing compromise."

"Does anyone apart from Kakuzu or Tobi have anything to bring up?" Silence greeted the Leader's question, broken only by the sound of Tobi squirming around in his seat. "Good. In that case, I have an announcement to make."

"Corpse buffet! corpse buffet! CORPSE BUFFET!" Zetsu chanted .

"Zetsu? How long have.. nevermind." Kisame trailed off.

"To try and increase Akatsuki's efficiency, we try and create partnerships which can exploit combined strengths to maximum efficiency. That's why for the next few days we're going to try out some new partner combinations. The Leader paused watched the mixed reactions that were occurring in front of him.

Kakuzu and Hidan appeared to be experiencing mutual happiness. Deidara was over the moon, while Kisame looked minority regretful and unhappy. Uchiha Itachi's face was impassive as always, not giving anything away. Konan didn't seem to care, while Zetsu... appeared to have retreated into his leafy cocoon. However, it was Tobi who had the greatest reaction.

"DEIDARA-SENPAI NO! Tobi had fallen down into the foetal position and was now bawling his eyes out. " "Senpai, don't leave Tobi! Tobi has been a good boy!"

"The allocations will go like this" the Leader said, ignoring Tobi. He stood.

**"Kisame and Human Pein"**

"Whatever"

"..."

**"Deidara and Hidan"**

"No more Tobi! No more Tobi! No more Tobi!"

"Yes, A $%#&ing girl!"

**"Kakuzu and Itachi."**

"Finally, someone quiet and serious."

"Hn"

**"Tobi and Zetsu"**

"DEIDARA-SENPAI!"

Zetsu just retreated further back into his flytrap.

"Konan and I shall return to Amegakure. You have all been assigned your missions, return to this place in two days."

With a cry of "Hai", and blubbering from Tobi, the ninja left the cave, leaving only an empty cavern and a curious sense of foreboding.


	2. Kakuzu and Itachi:  Sleepwalking

_/67 hits, four reviews, not too bad ya'll, especially since I can't even find my own story unless I go through my account. Still, reviews make me work faster, it sounds weird but it's true. Also, people may have noticed that I changed the name of this story. More on that later. Alright, on with the show. Shall we start with the first reviewer for this story ever's favorite? Enjoy!/_

**Kakuzu and Itachi**

After leaving the underground cavern, Itachi and Kakuzu departed immediately to begin their assigned mission of hunting down a missing nin from Kiri. As they leapt away from the congregation of Akatsuki members into the forest, Kakuzu heard the satisfying sound of the tiny explosive note he had attached to Hidan's cloak exploding, followed by a scream of rage and pain. Immortal creampuff. Whatever happened to enjoying pain?

Kakuzu was on cloud nine. Now Hidan's bitching was Deidara's problem. No more obsessive religious rituals or long drawn-out battle-speeches which left the opponents bored to death. And he'd actually received a good partner!

As they jumped through the freakishly-enormous trees, Kakuzu studied the Uchiha out of the corner of his eye. The raven-haired youth seemed lost in his own contemplations, face hidden beneath his Akatsuki trademark hat, and that was absolutely fine by Kakuzu. Imagine if he'd been stuck with Tobi... He shuddered at the thought. Uchiha Itachi, neat, quiet and polite. He continued on, content with the silence.

**Four hours later...**

Kakuzu couldn't take the silence anymore. It was nice to have a little quiet and all, but this was insane. It was understandable that he had remained mute while they were hurtling through the trees, seeing as they had to concentrate, but they'd left the forest THREE HOURS AGO!

At least with Hidan it had never been awkward... He stopped himself. With Hidan it hadn't been awkward because any potential silence had been filled with either swearing or insults. What sort of religion advocated swearing anyway?

There was an event that had happened earlier which kept playing over and over in Kakuzu's head. About ten minutes after they'd left, Itachi had suddenly halted, spun around and headed back the way he came at nearly super-human speeds. A couple of minutes later, while Kakuzu was still debating what to do the Uchiha had returned impassive as always with his right hand covered in blood. What the hell? Kakuzu wasn't sure if he wanted to know what the Uchiha had been doing.

Still, now seemed like a good time to ask. Besides, he wasn't sure he could take the silence much longer. He turned his red and green eyes towards the man.

"Itachi-san, what was your reason for abandoning me earlier?" The aforementioned Uchiha stopped and turned to face him, face expressionless and eyes like obsidian.

"Hn."

Kakuzu's eye twitched.

"Hn?"

"Hn."

Kakuzu felt an overwhelming desire to smother the youth with his own oversized hat but refrained, seeing as how expensive bloodstains were to remove.

Quiet descended between them as they advanced into the fading twilight, with Kakuzu now wishing he'd got Kisame for a partner instead. Finally they reached their destination, an apparently abandoned wooden building in the middle of nowhere. Quickly deactivating the security seal, they entered. Itachi went to examine the armoury while Kakuzu began working on the enormous pile of budgets he perpetually carried with him. How he always managed to carry enough paperwork to keep a Hokage busy for a week had never been figured out, but there it was.

**1:37am that night**

Kakuzu lay fully-clothed in the small, uncomfortable bed, contemplating the ceiling. Kakuzu was never able to get much sleep, partly due to his unique metabolism but mostly because his frigging animal masks always dug into his back. Ah, the price or immortality. As his mind emptied, his eyes finally began to close and he drifted off into a deep, dreamless...

"pocky."

Kakuzu's eyes shot open. That had sounded like... No, it coudn't be, Itachi's room was on the other side of the complex. His eyes flickered across the dim room, settling on a dark vaguely-humenoid shadow positioned next to his door. He blinked once in an attempt to clear his vision.

When he opened his eyes, he found himself staring directly into Itachi's face.

"pocky."

Kakuzu nearly had a massive, pentuple (5-way) heart attack. After a few seconds his ninja reflexes kicked in, smothering his shock. Although it was hard to tell, Itachi's face was showing slightly less emotion than usual. His eyes seemed wide open, yet unseeing. He also had his Sharingan activated. All in all, he wasn't acting like he noticed that his face was so close to Kakuzu's he could have touched it with his tongue.

Great. Itachi was a sleepwalker. He almost missed Hidan... Almost.

Kakuzu was feeling really, really awkward. Their lips were centimetres away from each others. He didn't want to wake Itachi up and have to explain how they'd ended up in the same bedroom a head jerk away from kissing, but he also really didn't want to stay like this. He slowly his head out from under Itachi's, careful not to bump him. Deciding to forgo sleep that night, he got up and headed for the door.

Only to be blocked by Uchiha Itachi, who he noticed was only wearing a shirt and undergarments.

"pocky"

Kakuzu had had enough. Seeing as waking Itachi up now would not be too awkward, he reached a hand forward to poke the Uchiha in the forehead.

Only to retract it as a kunai sliced through it's intended trajectory.

Kakuzu stared at the Uchiha incredulously. How could he do all this and not wake up? He decided that it was best to leave well enough alone and turned to leave.

The kunai whistled past his head.

Feeling a mounting sense of dread, Kakuzu turned to face his temporary partner once more. Itachi's arm was raised, a second kunai prepared in his hand, ready to throw. Then he noticed the exploding tag attached to it's handle

Kakuzu gulped. This was not going to end well.

"pocky."

…

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…

It was quiet and peaceful in the pre-dawn morning. A few crickets chirped, a nocturnal bird cried out softly and the wind blew through the grass, creating a soft, calming swish. All in all, it was an idyllic, relaxing scene. Not for much longer.

It started with a flash of light, followed instants later by an explosion. Then came an angry cry, followed by more explosions and flashes of light. One particularly big explosion then lit up the night sky, echoing around the once-tranquil landscape.

Kakuzu was feeling very, very annoyed. After throwing the explosive kunai at him (Which had taken out a good chunk of his door, and the surrounding hallway, Itachi had chased him around the building, flinging more ninja knives. He had rather unfortunately ended up in the armoury, and Itachi had followed, picking up an extra large box of explosive tags. He had then proceeded to continue throwing kunai, now complete with explosive tags, at Kakuzu. He'd even managed to find an experimental supersize tag which had destroyed a good portion of the front of the hideout. Hideouts were expensive! Not to mention they had to be built by Akatsuki agents, because it was too secret for normal workers to do!

Still, he'd got out of the building and drawn Itachi out with him, who finally seemed to be running out of explosive tags. He still wasn't sure how the Uchiha was still sleeping, but he decided to save that particular puzzle for later. And what the hell was pocky? At least Itachi wasn't using... Wait, what was he doing with his hands?

"**Katon: Great Fireball Technique!"**

"For the love of..."

Kakuzu hastily leapt out of the way of the enormous fireball. Now he was manipulating chakra? Had this guy massacred his clan in his sleep or something? He doubted he'd be able to get close enough to the Uchiha to wake him without loosing at least three of his limbs, so he'd be better off just avoiding the attacks until Itachi awoke.

"**Suiton: Water Shark Missile Technique." **

Kakuzu barely had time to erect a wall of earth to stop the enormous blue water shark from taking his head. He knew water jutsu as well? He suddenly remembered Itachi's Sharingan. This was going to be a long night.

"pocky."

**Two hours later**

Katon Jutsu. Raiton Jutsu. Suiton and Doton Jutsu. Kage Bunshin. Genjutsu. Even a couple of Futon Jutsu. For the last two hours Itachi had thrown what seemed like every type of attack in existence at him. Claws of wind. Birds of fire. A freaking unicorn of Lightning. Kakuzu was pissed. No non-jinchūriki being should have that much chakra! And how could Itachi NOT BE AWAKE YET! The guy could sleep through invasion. Probably while fighting off the invasion at the same time.

Kakuzu was currently standing behind a protective wall of earth as it was pounded by Itachi's impressively large collection of Suiton Jutsu. He was just barely able to stop himself from Katoning the Uchiha into the next century. Still, while incredibly frustrating, Itachi hadn't thrown anything more powerful than a B-rank at him. With Kakuzu's skin hardened to the consistency of steel, none of Itachi's attacks were really powerful enough to do any lasting damage. Besides, if he killed his current partner he'd be back to dealing with a certain Jashinist, and when it came to annoying, the Uchiha wasn't a patch on Hidan.

Kakuzu suddenly realised that it was quiet. Itachi had finally stopped. He tentatively released the earth wall and scanned the landscape for Itachi, ready to reactivate his jutsu at a moment's notice. In what was now the early morning light, he could see Itachi standing still, hands now by his side, still asleep.

The man breathed a cautious sigh of relief. Itachi's eyes seemed to be returning to their... Wait, they weren't returning to black. Instead they seemed almost like a... bladed shruiken.

**"Amaterasu."**

**"$#%!"**

…

…

…

…

…

…

As the deadly jet-black flames sped towards Kakuzu, who looked like he was ready to cry, blood began dripping out of Itachi's eyes. The unexpected wetness on his checks was enough to snap him back to reality.

The Uchiha blinked twice. After a quick analysis of the surroundings, namely the dark flames with power matching that of a sun flying towards his partner, he decided it was in his best interests to shut them off. He did so, then returned to his neutral position.

In a temporary state of shock at the near death experience he had just gone through, all Kakuzu could do was squeeze out a few words.

"You sleepwalk."

"Hai"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You didn't ask."

"I didn't... ask."

And with that, the ninety-one year old missing nin fell to the ground, twitching uncontrollably.

…

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…

Itachi and Kakuzu stood facing their mission objective, a powerful missing-nin from Kiri who from what Kakuzu had heard had been able to hold off three of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist simultaneously. The man was physically imposing, standing at a least two and a half meters (8ft 2in) tall and wearing blood-red shell like armour with an enormous sword strapped across his back.

Considering that this guy was worth 63 million ryo in the Kiri bingo book, the two Akatsuki members were in for a long and difficult battle. Kakuzu hoped so anyway, he REALLY needed to let off some stress.

The Kiri nuke-nin grasped his sword and pulled it off his back. It seemed to radiate power, taking on an ethereal red glow.

"Prepare yourselves, for you are facing the Red Demon of the Mist. You should be honoured that I consider you worthy enough to use the Akurei Kizu on you."

Oh yes, this guy was going to be perfect for stress relief. Kakuzu had a LOT of issues that he had to work out and an epic fight was just what the low cost doctor ordered.

"Remember it's name well, for it shall be the last thing you ever..."

** "Tsukuyomi!"**

As the feared nuke-nin fell to the ground curled up in a foetal position, Itachi calmly walked up to him and sliced a kunai across his neck.

Kakuzu growled softly and began grinding his teeth together. Denied of his chance to take out his frustration on someone, right now he was on a hair trigger. He walked over to where the Uchiha was standing and slung the corpse over his shoulder. Remembering the consequences of killing Itachi, he calmed himself. Money would make things better. Money always made things better.

…

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It was mid-morning by the time that Kakuzu woke up. As suns rays gently stroked his face he thought back to the events which had occurred yesterday. He was currently lying in a portable sleeping bag in the middle of a small grassy knoll, located far, far away from the Akatsuki complex for obvious reasons. It had not been a good night. Every single sound had come out as "pocky", and Kakuzu had spent the entire night expecting explosive kunai and lightning unicorns. Seriously? Lightning unicorns? What sort of an excuse for a ninja came up with that brilliant attack? Still, the rest of yesterday after they'd killed the Kiri nin hadn't actually been all that bad. Sure Itachi had been silent, which was generally irritating, but he hadn't actually done anything particularly antagonising. Plus he'd been able to kill a group of Oto genin that had crossed their paths. Killing Orochimaru's underlings was always fun.

And they'd got the money. Sweet, precious money that made the world go round. As soon as he'd got it he'd clasped onto the case like a drowning man holding a rope and refused to put it down. He'd been forced to leave it at the compound, he wasn't willing to risk taking it outside for the night, but he'd left it in the ultra secure, five-door safe.

Deciding it was time to return, he got up and began walking in the general direction of the temporary hideout. All in all, he couldn't decide whether he preferred the Uchiha or the Jashinist anymore. Well, preferred wasn't really the right word. Which one he felt undying hatred towards less? Ah well, as long as he could take the silence and didn't come within ten kilometres of Itachi when he was sleeping, he'd be fine.

Reaching his destination, Kakuzu couldn't help but flinch at the damage Itachi had done to the compound two nights ago. The whole front wall had bee obliterated. Not that Itachi cared or anything, he'd just said "Hn" and ignored him. Walking through the amusingly still standing doorframe, he immediately began heading towards the safe. When he reached the hallway the safe branched off from, he was confronted with a very odd sight.

Itachi was standing in the corridor leaning against an enormous wooden crate. The Uchiha was surrounded by a huge pile of wrappers all the colours of the rainbow and seemed to be chewing on what looked like an overly long pink cigarette. At that point Kakuzu realised that he'd never seen the Uchiha eat before. Considering the ridiculous amount of packaging littering the ground, he must have eaten almost... a whole crateful.

"What... what are you eating?" The Uchiha didn't even turn to look at him, continuing to chew as he spoke.

"Pocky." So this was pocky. Where had he managed to find an entire crate of the stuff? It looked expensive, why would the hide-outs stock pocky of all things? It didn't show up in his budgets.

"Where did you get it?"

"Shop."

They were in the middle of nowhere! How the hell had he managed to find a shop? The Uchiha still wasn't even looking at him! Suddenly something clicked in Kakuzu's mind. If the crate hadn't come from the hideout... He was gripped by a cold realisation.

"W... where did you get the money?" The Uchiha moved out of the way, revealing the very open and very empty vault behind him.

"Bounty."

Kakuzu froze. His brain just couldn't process it. The logical insanity of buying and eating 63 million ryo of pocky in a single nigh was pushed to the side, replaced by complete, absolute fury. All rational thought fled. As his body sprang into action only one thought filled his mind.

Itachi was going to pay.

**"I AM GOING TO EAT YOUR HEART!" **He screamed, a primal cry of grief, horror and hatred. The Uchiha turned towards him as he leapt, scarlet eyes boring into his soul.

**"Tsukuyomi!"**

Kakuzu entered the greyscale, blood red skied world of Itachi's most powerful genjutsu. His brain unable to utilise cognitive thought, he was reduced to animal-like moaning and spitting, tears rolling down his cheeks as he strained against the metal restrains which bound him to the half-crucifix. Itachi stood in front of him.

"For the next seventy two hours I am going to burn piles of money in front of you as you watch. Consider this punishment for your greed and selfishness. I dislike greedy people. Enjoy your company."

As what Itachi said registered in Kakuzu's now primordial brain, he began struggling furiously, not even thinking of trying to dispel the genjutsu. Not that it would have helped anyway, no non-sharingan user had ever escaped the jutsu.

"Dattebayo!"

Kakuzu whipped his head around, identifying the source of the statement as a young boy of about thirteen. A thought slowly made it's was through what remained of Kakuzu's mind, this child met the description of the Nine-Tails container in his youth.

"Tsk.. Troublesome."

Standing to the side of the youth was another boy of about the same age, with a bored frown and pineapple hair. The boy seemed to talking about the container, who was ignoring him conpletely.

"Baka."

On Kakuzu's other side stood almost a miniature version of Itachi, with cockatoo hair. The Kyuubi jinchūriki pumped his fist into the air in response.

"Hokage!"

"Tsk.. Troublesome."

"Dattebayo!"

"Tsk.. Troublesome."

"Baka"

Kakuzu realised it wasn't going to stop.

"Hokage!"

Itachi lifted the first ryo note and burned it.

"Tsk.. Troublesome."

Kakuzu screamed.

"Dattebayo!"

**72 hours later in Tsukuyomi time, a few seconds in real time**

Itachi deactivated his Sharingan and reached down into the crate, lifting out the remaining sixty-two million ryo (After all, no one could spend 63 million ryo on pocky and eat it all in one go). Opening up another packet of pocky, he sat down on the crate and began waiting for Kakuzu to stop crying. It was going to be a long day.

...

...

...

_/And cut. I honestly don't know how well I did on this chapter. Some bits I really like, and some bits I feel could have been better. Still, I don't think I've done too badly. Also, to anyone who is concerned I'm not going to finish this story, don't be. I wouldn't want to wish the feeling of being halfway through an awesome story (which I hope mine is) only to find that the author hasn't updated in two years on anyone. Once I start something, I'm going to do it._

_Quick Questions:_

_Which name is better?_

_a) Tobi Induced Hilarity_

_b) Akatsuki - Switching Partners_

_What do I call the techniques by?_

_a) English names: Fire Release: Great Fireball Technique_

_b) Japanese names with description at bottom: Katon: Gōkakyū no Jutsu_

_c) A mix of both: Katon: Great Fireball Technique_

_Thanks for reading everyone. If you disliked this chapter because the characters thought too much instead of talking, it's because neither Kakuzu or Itachi come off as particularly talkative. Fear not though! Next chapter will involve two of the most verbose, talky members in Akatsuki. Take that as you will. Also, you'll get to see why Itachi dissapeared for a few minutes then returned with his hand covered in blood. Yay! Sayonara!_


	3. Deidara and Hidan: Yaoi?

_/Hello everyone, updating time. For anyone interested, the stats for this fic are 179 hits, 2 favorites, 5 alerts and 8 reviews. I've decided to go with mixed jutsu names and keep the title as it is. You might want to reread the summary for this story before you read this chapter for maximum understanding. That's about all I have to say really, enjoy!/_

/_To Silverwolfstar, it's an original jutsu and you'll get your wish./_

**Deidara and Hidan**

As Kakuzu and Itachi leapt away from the small grassy knoll after receiving their mission scroll from the female Human Pein, Hidan couldn't help but feel the tiniest twinge of regret. Despite Kakuzu's constant blasphemy, greedy ways and general heart-eating creepiness, Hidan still respected Kakuzu's power, and even felt that he had some sort of almost imperceptible bond with the man.

As Hidan turned towards his new and extremely attractive female partner, he realised that he would have to cut back on the swearing, at least until he could get into the girl's pants. Previous bitter experiences had taught him that women did not appreciate being referred to as hags or bitches no matter how hot you were. Enraged females could kick hard and despite his professed love for pain, being kicked in the crotch was one experience he did not #&$^ing enjoy in the least. He'd have to play it cool and act sensitive and polite for once.

At this moment the tiny explosive tag that had been attached to Hidan's cloak exploded, sending him headfirst into a tree..

"Kakuzu you $&#%ing %#^&!" "I'm going to #%& your $*& through your #%$& #^$*#(# in a $^#*&%^$ through #^$*% #%$&% and $&#*^ #%$&## **Three minutes later... **&$**# #&$^$ ^&# hippopotamus #^&$(* and the ^##%$!^$#&^# so you'll #^#*% in a #%*&# sideways!" "$#^$*#($*#!*#^!"

As Hidan finished and returned to his feet, he saw that all of the other Akatsuki members had departed, leaving only Deidara, who was looking somewhat shellshocked at the moment. Hidan flashed his most winning smile

"Hi there."

Deidara just waved.

The two stood there in silence for several seconds before Deidara turned and slowly walked into the forest. Hidan trailed behind him.

**Several extremely awkward minutes of walking later...**

Hidan decided to go for broke. Deidara (which was a weird name for a girl) probably already considered him a jerk, so it wouldn't hurt to try out a couple of pick-up lines he'd been working on on her.

** "**Dei-chan, can I ask you a question?" The yellow haired youth flinched at the honorific but said nothing. Hidan took this as a sign to continue. He walked up behind Deidara and wrapped his arms around the teenager's neck, not seeing the horror-filled look on his face.

"Don't you think your cloak would look great on the floor next to my bed?"

Deidara stopped dead in his tracks, unable to speak. Hidan mistook the meaning behind Deidara's sudden ceasing of motion and continued.

"Come on baby, You know I'm &#%ing hot!" His hand began trailing down Deidara's back. Only to stop as it was captured in an iron grip.

Deidara turned towards him, coursing with fury, his face fiery red. The sound of snapping bones could be heard as he squeezed Hidan's hand.

"I. Am. Not. A. Girl." "Un."

The sound of chirping birds filled the air.

"What the..."

Uchiha Itachi's chidori slammed through Hidan's chest like a meteor.

"Ah, f-$%! That #&$^ing hurts! What the #&$^ing hell was that for?"

"Akatsuki law Number One." said Deidara angrily.

"What the f-$% is Akatsuki law Number One?"

"Any member who mentions Yaoi will get a Chidori through their chest." said Itachi tonelessly, as he fired up another chidori in his left hand.

"$^#&! Stop f-$%ing doing that" Itachi quickly removed his left hand from Hidan's chest, the flaring electricity stopping it being soaked in blood. Hidan leapt away, ripping out Itachi's other hand.

More chirping birds filled the air. Hidan barely had time to turn his head before Hatake Kakashi drilled through Hidan with yet another chidori.

"#*$&! For the love of...Sharingan Kakashi! What the f-$% are you doing here?"

"Got lost on the road of life." Kakashi leapt back just in time to avoid his fingers being sliced off with a kunai. He immediately began making handseals

"**Raiton: Ultimate Lightning Horned Horse Technique!"**

Hidan stared at the attack, too incredulous to dodge. Neither he nor Kakashi noticed Itachi analysing the jutsu with his Sharingan.

"Is that a... unicorn of lightning?" Hidan regained his senses at the last possible moment, stepping out of the way of the attack with millimetres to spare.

"Can everyone just stop trying to stab me with f-$%ing lightning!" Hidan yelled, now severely pissed. "I'm invincible you morons!"

"Go be invincible in Iwa."

Hidan turned towards the source of the noise. Just in time to be blown far into the air by Deidara's explosive clay spider. Itachi turned towards Kakashi.

"This never happened."

"Hai"

The two elite ninja left the area, leaving only two columns of swirling leaves and a grinning Deidara. Revenge was sweet.

…

…

…

Deidara was slowly picking his way through the trees, moving in the general direction that Hidan had flown. He was in no hurry, this was the best day he'd had in a long time and he had no wish to spoil it by dealing with loud-mouthed voodoo puppets any earlier that he had to. He was finally rid of Tobi. So if his replacement partner had tried to hit on him. Said partner now had three holes in his chest and had been blown kilometres into the air by a clay spider. The only thing that could make his life better would be news of the masked idiot's imminent demise.

While he didn't particularly want to spend time in Hidan's company, he realised fulfilling his objective would be infinitely easier with a partner. The pair had been tasked with massacring a prominent clan located in Wood country. Why, Deidara didn't care, he just wanted the opportunity to practice his art. Which translated into blowing up people.

"Blowing up people sure is fun, un!" Deidara spoke out loud to the empty trees around him, blowing up a squirrel that had been looking at him funny. If a squirrel blows up and no-one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

Deidara spotted his partner lying groaning in a small crater on the ground, next to a large tree that had violently ended his flight. Suddenly he remembered something. From what he'd seen, Hidan loathed Kakuzu on about the same level as he hated Tobi. This would mean he would be willing to do almost anything to avoid being partnered with him again.

A hilarious thought crossed his mind. If Hidan was immortal then it wouldn't matter how many bombs he hit him with, Hidan would just get back up. Therefor no permanent damage or ramifications. Therefor in the next couple of days he was going to practice his art on the man as much as was humanely possible. The man wouldn't be able to hurt him back for fear of being stuck with Kakuzu again.

An evil grin stretched across his face. Oh, this was going to be fun!

…

…

…

Sensing Deidara's approach, Hidan looked up. The Iwa missing-nin had a look on his face that the man did not appreciate one little bit.

"I am going to f-$%ing kill you, _Dei-chan_."

Deidara's smile slipped slightly at the nickname, but came back within seconds.

"Hidan-san, I've just realised something, un." Hidan wrapped his hand around the hilt of his tri-bladed scythe and stood up.

"And what would that be, _Dei-chan_?"

"If anything happens to me, you're going straight back to being with Kakuzu-san."

"F-$%ing what?"

"If you stab me with that scythe, as you so obviously intend to do, you'll go back to your original partner. Therefor, you can't hurt me, un."

"Tsk! What about you and Tobi?"

"Ah but you're invincible and I'm not, un. Nothing I do to you short of C3 is really going to kill you. I however, don't have a psychotic voodoo god to rely on."

"Insult Jashin again and I will kill you. Kakuzu be damned!"

"Aw, does da poow wittle Jashinist need a hug."

"What? f-$% no!

"Give me a hug or we fail this mission, and it's back to old threadsy with you, un."

"But..."

"Hug! Now!" Hidan reluctantly stepped forward and held open his arms.

"I'm going to tell him you called him that." Hidan grumbled as the yellow-haired hellspawn wrapped it's arms around him.

"Sucker!"

The Clay Bunshin tightened it's arms around Hidan and exploded, sending the extremely surprised Jashinist hurtling into a nearby tree.

"Ah #^&ing tree! Why is always a f-$%ing tree? #*$& $&%*..."

From a nearby branch, Deidara watched Hidan's rants with great amusement. Tormenting Hidan was almost as fun as blowing up squirrels. Almost.

…

…

…

"Hey Hidan-san! Do you want some dango, un?" Deidara asked cheerfully as he brandished a long wooden skewer with three white circular lumps impaled on it. Hidan stared distrustfully at the so-called dumplings.

"For the last f-$%ing time, no!" Hidan had learnt his lesson earlier when a supposed rice ball had exploded in his face, nearly blowing his head off."

"It's not explosive clay this time, I promise." Deidara stated sincerely.

"Really? Then I don't suppose you'd be worried about tasting it for me?" Deidara took a bite out of each of the dumplings, licking his lips in relish.

"Mmmmmm... That's some good dango!"

Hidan gingerly accepted the dango and held it at arms length, waiting for an explosion. When nothing happened, he lifted it towards his mouth, only for the skewer itself to explode, severely burning his face. Deidara began chuckling.

"F-$% you Dei-chan!"

The Jashinist turned and smashed his partner across the face. The Bunshin exploded the instant Hidan's fist touched it and Hidan was sent sprawling into the dust. Deidara emerged from a shield of trees further down the path and fell to his knees in hysterical laughter.

"Ahahahahaha... Ohyou...haha...shouldhave...hahaha...seenyourface...hahahaha...Kami I love my art!"

Brushing himself off, Hidan stood up

"Shut up! Nobody cares about your art!"

Deidara's laughter stopped immediately. Realised that he'd struck a raw nerve, Hidan continued on, hoping to infuriate the youth further.

"What the hell is this art of yours anyway? Explosions? That's not art. There's no skill involved in blowing something up." Deidara straightened up, anger evident in his eyes.

"Don't insult my art just because you don't appreciate it, un!"

"What art? It's not difficult to blow something up!"

"You wouldn't appreciate a true artist if one exploded in your..."

"Artist? All I see is a hemaphrodite with a bomb obsession." said Hidan with a malicious grin.

In a fit of rage, Deidara launched himself at the older man, kunai at the ready. Hidan easily sidestepped the wild swing and even so lightly ran his scythe across Deidara's shoulder. The youth span around, tensed to leap again only to see Hidan carefully scraping a small trail of blood from the scythe into a glass vial.

Deidara's blood ran cold as he looked down at his shoulder, where he could see a thin trail of red through a tear in his cloak.

"Oh f-$%."

"Oh yes!" crowed Hidan.

"You didn't..."

"Take a sample of your blood for future use in my holy rituals? You bet your #^$&# I did!"

"But... you still can't hurt me, un!"

"Oh, I know I can't seriously hurt you, Dei-chan, but think of all the other wonderful experiences we can experience! Being covered in slugs or leeches for example! Or maybe I could just repeatedly bang my head into a f-$%ing tree! You like trees, don't you Dei-chan!"

"You're insane, un!"

"Tell it to Jashin, clay fetishist!"

"Shut up about your stupid god already, un!" Deidara was inches away from tearing out his partner's throat.

"Here's the deal, Dei-chan. I won't kill you in the most horrible way imaginable, and you will **STOP THROWING F-$%ING BOMBS AT ME! **Are we f-$%ing clear?**"**

"Only if verbal torture is still allowed, un."

A sneer crawled across Hidan's features

"I wouldn't have it any other way, _Dei-chan_"

The two S-Rank nuke nin began walking again, insulting each-other as they went.

…

…

…

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's suffer through the utmost suffering together!**" Hidan cried maniacally as he plunged the pike deep into his chest.

The Wood nin just stood there for a second, blood dripping out of his mouth. Then, as Hidan screamed his rapture for all the world to hear, the patrol ninja tumbled to the floor.

Breathing heavily and enjoying himself immensely, Hidan straightened up and allowed his curse technique to release. He turned to his partner, who was standing behind him.

"Not .. pant... bad … pant... eh?

Deidara stared at him in what looked like pure awe.

"You... You..." Deidara seemed to be struggling to get his words out.

"Yes?" said Hidan, glad that his partner was finally acknowledging his strength.

"You're completely useless!"

"... What?"

"It took you ten minutes to kill one enemy! Do you know how many people I could kill in that time, un?"

"Obviously you don't comprehend what just happened. I just f-$%ing killed a man by f-$%ing stabbing myself through the heart!"

"And I just killed the other seven ninja in twenty seconds with explosive clay! What, you expected the other guys to just stand around and watch, un?"

"Well, yes..."

"Most ninja don't care ^&# about their team-mates! Haven't you ever run across this problem before, un?"

"Kakuzu usually deals with it." Hidan mumbled.

"Kakuzu usually... We have to massacre a freaking clan! Do you realise how long it's going to take us if we use your method? Weeks, un!"

"It's what Jashin demands."

"Not to mention you have to stay in the f-$%ing circle for it to even work, un!"

"Stop questioning the Will of Jashin or I will cut off your feet!" Deidara face-palmed

"Look, let's just get out of here, Ok, un?"

"Stop being so f-$%ing impatient! I have to complete my ritual!"

"How long is that going to take?"

"...Two hours."

"..."

"..."

"I think I hate you."

…

…

…

"Alright Dei-chan, enlighten me as to your magnificent f-$%ing plan."

The two Akatsuki members were sitting in a hotel room in a small Wood Country village. They had decided to rest for the night and press on to the town where the soon-to-be-massacred-clan was located tomorrow. Currently they were trying to work out a workable strategy.

"Very well, un. I was thinking I'll fly over the village and drop C3 on it, while you stand underneath and make sure it hits, un."

"Ha ha. Real f-$%ing funny, Dei-chan."

"Well, do you have any ideas, un?"

"Well, you do know the scroll says to assassinate them quietly right?"

"What?"

"Yeah, look." Hidan unfurled the instruction scroll and waved it at Deidara.

"... Now what?"

"What do you mean?"

"We're not exactly quiet assassins are we, un?"

"You might not be."

"Says the man who took ten minutes to kill someone. Loudly."

"Hey, I'm not that f-$%ing..."

"You have a tendency to laugh maniacally during your rituals."

"...Really?"

"And my art..."

"Psychotic bomb obsession." Interjected Hidan automatically, busy mulling over Deidara's worrds.

"...is not exactly quiet either, un." Deidara finished

"Seriously? I laugh maniacally? I've never noticed it before."

"You haven't?"

"No. Are you sure?"

"Umm, yeah, it's fairly obvious, un."

"Okay then... Wait, what did you mean when you said you'd fly over the village?"

"Oh yeah, I can fly on clay birds, un."

"What? Then why did we have to f-$%ing walk all the way here?"

"Because tormenting you is fun, un."

"You are going to pay, Dei-chan."

"Aw, what are you going to do?"

"Go down to the kitchen."

"What?

Hidan stood up and walked out, smiling viciously.

Several minutes later Deidara was suddenly flung out of his chair by to a violent impact to his face, almost like being hit by a... metal saucepan? A cold certainty gripped his brain. He sprang up and made a run for the door, clutching his broken nose. There were a lot of nasty implements in the kitchen.

He staggered down the wooden stairs, pain blossoming repeatedly through his forehead. His flight down the stairs was hastened by what felt like a rolling pin to the back of his head. A fish-slice shaped impact appeared on his right arm. Hidan was getting creative. After a few minutes of searching, and several more kitchen-implement related pains later, a bruised, welt covered Deidara finally arrived at the hotel kitchen. What he saw scared him.

Hidan was standing in a blood-pentagram next to a bench in the centre of the room, curse activated. The Jashinist had an array of kitchen implements laid out in front of him. Upon seeing the instrument that Hidan held centimetres away from his own face, Deidara froze, then began speaking very slowly.

"Hidan, put down the cheese grater"

"But Dei-chan..." Hidan didn't have time to finish his taunt before Deidara tackled him, knocking him out of the ritualistic circle.

The two tussled for dominance on the floor, both unable to use anything except physical strength. Deidara had the element of surprise, and punched the older man hard across the face. The vial of blood tumbled onto the flood and the youth quickly grabbed it and flung it against the wall, shattering it. Quickly moving away from the Jashinist, Deidara spoke.

"Release your curse, or I'll blow up the clay I've attached to your back, un!"

"Oh but Deidara-sempai, Hidan-san has been a good boy! Don't be mean to Hidan-san"

"I f-$%ing mean it, un!"

Not willing to gamble whether Deidara was bluffing or not, Hidan reluctantly did so, returning to his normal appearance.

"Okay, Dei-chan, are we even now?"

"You just tried to shave my face off with a cheese grater. Trust me, we are so not f-$%ing even, un."

"Tsk, you shouldn't be swearing at your age, Dei-chan!"

"Let's just... wait until after the mission, okay, un?"

"The mission we're supposed to do quietly?"

"You're little kitchen stunt gave me an idea. Trust me."

…

…

…

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!** **Let's suffer through the utmost suffering together!**"

"Ok, next!"

"You know, this really takes the enjoyment out of the kill." Hidan grumbled, as he removed the pike from his chest and deactivated his curse. The two Akatsuki members were standing in an empty field far, far from human civilisation, for obvious reasons. As Hidan's appearance returned to normal Deidara opened a metal suitcase and examined the rows of glass vials. Reaching in, he removed a full one and handed it to Hidan.

"We've been standing here for f-$%ing hours! How many left?"

"What do you know, only two to go, un."

"You know, it's kind of weird that they had a blood sample for every single member of the clan."

"Stop complaining about things that make our job easier and drink that blood, un!" Earlier in the day, Deidara had broken into the clan complex and raided the vaults (while Hidan had distracted the guards by pretending to be a door-to-door Jashin's Witness preacher), conveniently finding vials containing the blood of every individual in the clan.

"Pity we weren't there to watch them as they die off one by one! It would have been f-$%ing hilarious!"

"For once we agree on something. Now just kill these last two and we can go, un." Hidan nodded and drained the vial, his skin once again becoming black and skeletony. Raising his pike, he impaled himself through the heart once more.

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!** **I CAN FEEL THEIR AGONY RADIATING THROUGH MY BODY!**"

"Listen! You're laughing maniacally, un!" Deidara insisted. Hidan deactivated his curse once more.

"No I'm not!"

"But you were! How can you not hear it, un!"

"Maybe because I'm not f-$%ing laughing!"

"But.. Look, it doesn't matter. Come on, just one more to kill and we can go, un."

"Whatever you say, Dei-chan." Hidan consumed the blood, and prepared to repeat the ritual one last time.

"**HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!** **I CAN... **Deidara, what the f-$% are you doing?"

Only then did Hidan notice the veritable mountain of explosive clay that Deidara had laid around him. The yellow haired man was practically a speck in the distance, his voice barely audible. Despite this, the Jashinist could hear his words all too well.

"Taking revenge! Kai!"

The Jashinist went airborne. Deidara chuckled softly to himself. Ah, the joys of revenge.

_/And cut. I feel that I did a better job on this chapter than on the previous one, despite my slow writing habits. I'm probably going to be slow to update these next couple of weeks due to INSANE numbers of exams, and the first fic that I update will probably be my other one. Just so that people know, if an anonymous reviewer asks me a question, I CAN'T RESPOND TO IT! That's just how the site works._

_The next chapter will be on Kisame and at this time female Human Pein. We don't actually get to see the other Peins before the Jiraya fight, so it's possible that Animal Pein could have been female at some time in canon. I'm not completely set on what will happen next chapter, I tend to let my fics write themselves sometimes, so if you have any cool ideas for what could happen stick them in a review. If your ideas are good enough and fit into what I have in mind, I'll put them in. And I'll credit you. As always, review, and hope you enjoyed! Yay! Sayonara! Review!/_


	4. Kisame and Human Pein: Glomping

/I've become what I've always feared and hated, the scum of the Earth, one of those people who takes ages to update! All it took to turn me to the dark side was a devastating combination of evil writer's block and terrifying procrastination. What happened to me updating in two weeks? I'm sorry oh dozen or so people that care. Anyway, enjoy! Oh and btw, no offense intended towards self-insertion fics. =] /

**Kisame and Human Pein**

/Also the current stats for this story are 15 reviews, 433 hits, 1 C2, 5 Favs and 8 alerts. Yay!/

As the female Human Pein was handing out the various mission scrolls, Kisame was considering the various pairings in front of him. Itachi and Kakuzu were probably going to be the best off, although Kakuzu was going to have a fun time when Itachi went to sleep. Deidara and Hidan's mission would probably involve a gratuitous amount of blood and sarcasm and as for Zetsu and Tobi... The plant man was probably going to end up smoking his leaves for stress relief. Kisame smirked. This was going to be a very interesting couple of days.

Kisame and Human Pein departed the clearing about a minute into Hidan's increasingly creative rant, despite pleading looks from Deidara. The shark-man glanced discretely at his orange-haired partner. So this was meant to be the Leader? Well, there was one way to find out.

"Hey Leader-san."

The female Human Pein turned to him, staring impassively.

"Wanna make Konan jealous?" Kisame leered.

"Break Akatsuki Rule One and you will die." Pein stated flatly.

Well that proved it then. When it came to Kisame there were only two ways women reacted when he showed even the barest hint of romantic intentions. Either they ran away screaming, or they dry-glomped him. It had to be Pein.

"Soooooo... What's the mission?"

"We're patrolling the area."

"Why?"

"Do not question my orders, Kisame. You'll find out soon enough"

"Kay" Kisame said childishly. They kept walking.

Somewhere, in a deep, dark cavern, Nagato calmed himself. He was a God. Gods were above petty emotions like annoyance.

"So... What's it like to be a man in a women's body?"

Nagato ground his teeth.

…

…

…

…

"So if you sleep with someone can you get pregnant?"

"No."

"But you're a women right?"

"Please stop."

"So do you or do you not have a time of the mon..."

"Stop now. We will camp here for the night."

"But it's still early."

"You will need all the strength you can get for tomorrow. Sleep."

Kisame pouted. He knew he was tempting fate by annoying the Leader, but it was so much fun! He was extremely expressed at the Leader's lack of external irritation, especially after he'd started questioning his sexuality. How he'd gotten away with that he wasn't sure. Not even Itachi had been able to take four hours of it. He'd made it to two and a half before using Tsukuyomi to force him to live through the worst torment imaginable. It had been at that moment that he had developed a deep fear and hatred of sea sponges. Stabbing he could take. Torture he could take. Seventy two hours of a pirate asking 'Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?', he could not take. Where had Itachi come up with a creature of such evil? Clearing his head, he brought his attention back to far more relevant topics.

"But.."

"Sleep. That is an order."

** 40 minutes later...**

** "**Kisame, please refrain from letting Samehada enter my sleeping bag."

"Kay."

…

…

…

…

…

"So why did we have to get up at 6 in the morning again?"

"To accomplish our mission to maximum efficiency."

"Right. So, what are we doing?"

"There have been sightings of strange ethereal pulses of energy in this area. We're here to investigate if the rumors are true." Kisame snorted in disbelief.

"That's it? Since when did Akatsuki chases after rumours and fairytales?"

"There have been cases like this before. Weeks of strange sightings of pink energy..."

"Pink Energy?"

"Before the rift opens."

"Rift?"

"It is believed to be a gateway to another world. It stays open for a minute at most, sometimes nothing happens, sometimes... things come through."

"What sort of things?"

"Televisions, headsets, computers, all sorts of things. Much of our current technology is derived from what comes through these portals. It is believed that the Fourth Hokage of Konoha received a device which could propel cylindrical pieces of metal at almost unbelievable speed and power. It was believed to have made him impossible to defeat in battle. The potential gain is enormous.

"Kay."

"We're approaching the centre of the sightings now"

The two Akatsuki members reached the peak of the grassy hill they had been climbing and stopped, momentarily transfixed. In front of them was an floating orb pulsing magenta-coloured energy, lighting up the area around it with a soft ethereal glow. It was like a storm of chakra, powerful and captivating, something which could be simply stared out for hours.

An abrupt torrent of memories exploded in Kisame's minds, horrors which he had long though locked away.

_"Hey Itachi-san, any idea what that thing is?"_

_ "Hn."_

_ "Sorry, I didn't quite catch that."_

_ "Hn."_

_ "It looks like a giant ball of pink... Wait, I think something is coming through."_

_ "Itachi-kun?"_

_ "It has a Konoha headband, but it looks... plastic?"_

_ "OMG, I'm in the Naruto world! ITACHI-KUN!"_

_ "Kisame, get it off me."_

_ "Awww, but Itachi, you look so cute together. It even has a badly stitched Uchiha symbol on its arm."_

_ "Now, Kisame."_

_ "Okay fine, but you owe me for this. How did it manage to grab you anyway? I thought you had better reaction time than this."_

_ "It's faster than it looks."_

_ "Stop calling me an it! My name is HinSakura Yanama-Ten! I got my name changed officially."_

_ "Did... did it just block Samehada one handed with a plastic kunai?"_

_ "I didn't know I could do that!"_

_ "Kisame, I'd appreciate you getting it off me soon."_

_ "All you have to do is ask politely, Itachi-kunnywunny. Hey, get back here!"_

_ "Kisame, kill it now!"_

_ "__**Suiton: Water Shark Missile Technique!**__"_

_"I wonder what else I can do.__** Great fireball Jutsu!**__"_

_ "How did you do that without hand seals? That isn't even the name off the technique! And that was a water attack!"_

_ "Can I join Akatsuki now?"_

_ "Wha... No!"_

_ "I'm going to make you both my love-slaves. You'll look after the house and wash my feet and tell me how pretty I am and have three beautiful children..."_

_ "Kisame, kill it now!"_

_ "Kami-damnit Itachi, give me some help!"_

_ "And cook me meals and take me to dinner and..."_

_ "Tsukuyomi!"_

_ "Yay! I have genjutsu-resistant eyes like Dei-kun! Maybe I'll get Sasuke to join us as well, I'm sure he'll forgive you after I tell him the truth about the Uchiha massacre. Won't that be great!"_

_ "__**Ameratsu!**__"_

_ "Now that's not very nice!"_

_ "Oh Kami, she just blocked Ameratsu."_

_ "__**Shadow Clone Jutsu! **__Yay!"_

_ "Itachi, how can she have so much chakra! There are thousands of her!"_

_ "Come to me, my Akatsuki-bunnies!"_

_ "KILL IT KILL IT KILL IT!"_

Kisame fell to his knees as he recalled the most horrific experience of his life. In the end, it had taken four Akatsuki members, a Suna ANBU squad and the Second Raikage to finally bring it down. Kisame had been held captive for over a week, traumatising nights of kissing and glomping. All those involved had sworn never to speak of the incident again. Of those involved, only Itachi and Kisame still remained in the land of the living. Kisame looked up to see the Leader staring impassively down at him.

"Something is coming through."

Weakly, Kisame looked up. A hand was reaching through the portal.

"Kill it."

A feminine head came into view, covered in obviously fake coloured pink hair.

"Kill it!"

On the girl's forehead, a plastic Konoha headband glinted in the morning sun.

"KILL IT!"

"Kisame?"

"Leader-sama, I need to kill it now!"

Almost half of the girl's body had emerged from the portal.

"What purpose would that serve? This girl could provide valuable information."

"Leader-sama within minutes this... thing will have the powers of a Kage." Kisame said urgently, grasping Samehada.

The girl was completely out of the portal.

"If we could control that power..."

"Sir I've encountered one of these before." Kisame spoke frantically "It destroyed a village and a Konoha ANBU team without breaking a sweat. It can't be controlled!"

"What the? I'm in the Naruto world!"

"You are letting personal feelings cloud your judgement..."

"Nagato-chan!" Pein turned towards the girl.

"How do you know my name?"

"I recognise you from your orange hair and piercings! You're so hot! But why aren't you using Yahiko's body? It would be so much hotter making out with both of you at the same time!" Human Pein and Nagato froze in sync. Disrespect of Yahiko would not be tolerated.

"Kisame, I give you permission to...

** "Rasengan!"**

"She's discovering her powers! **I WILL NOT BE GLOMPED!**

** "SUITON: A THOUSAND FEEDING SHARKS"**

A tsunami of water sharks erupted from the ground, spraying water and mud everywhere. The two Akatsuki members watched on as the fangirl was completely and utterly obliterated. Also obliterated with the rest of the hill, ten kilometres of forest and a nearby village.

"Wasn't that overkill?"

Kisame was too busy crying tears of pure joy to answer him.

…

…

…

…

…

…

A week later, a body was found floating on an unnamed river hundreds of kilometres away by an old farmer couple. The corpse had several irregularities. It was wearing a plastic ninja headband. It had strange dyed pink hair. And unlike any other corpse they had ever seen, it opened its eyes, got up, thanked the couple and walked off into the landscape. It was heading towards... Konoha.

** Surprise Bonus I'm-Sorry-I'm-So-Lazy-Please-Don't-Hurt-Me Omake:**

"Otokage-sama!"

Orochimaru looked up from his most hated and persistent enemy, paperwork, to see one of his ninja enter his office.

"Yes, Kinuta-san?"

The Otogakure chunin trembled, the conflicting emotions of of excitement, apprehension and fear warring within him.

"We've captured Uchiha Itachi!"

"Itachi-kun? Impossible! How?"

"An Oto patrol stumbled across an Akatsuki hideout. We brought in half the Oto standing army and surrounded the place. We were lucky, apparently he'd just fought the Gobi and the Nanabi simultaneously at the same time and won. Still, even exhausted, he managed to kill almost a a hundred and fifty of our men before we brought him down."

"Kukuku, a second Sharingan in my grasp! Thankfully Sasuke-kun is currently not present at the base. Where is he?"

"He's in our most secure cell, bound..."

"Excellent"

"Chakra Repressed..."

"Splendid."

"And unconscious"

"... What?"

"Sir?"

"Did you just say he is sleeping?"

"Otokage-sama, if I may, this is our most powerful base in all the Elemental Nations. It is highly unlikely that URK!"

"Do you have any idea what you have done?" Orochimaru growled at the kunai embedded corpse of the Otogakure shinobi.

Grabbing as many important documents as he could, Orochimaru body flickered to the far wall and pulled the alarm lever, not willing to waste a second.

"f-*k f-*k f-*k!"

A shrill siren burst into life, echoing around the length of the base. Explosions could be heard in the distance. The might of the Otogakure shinobi could hold Itachi off for five minutes, right? He'd get out of the base with as much valuable information as he could and then come back in a few days and retake it if he could, or destroy it. Itachi wouldn't find him in the giant cavernous base in a couple of minutes. He'd be fine. He was...

"pocky."

Slowly Orochimaru turned around. Standing at the door was Itachi Uchiha in all his sleepwalking glory, covered in blood, Mangekyo Sharingan spinning.

"oh kami."

"pocky."

…

…

…

…

…

…

The next day, an Oto messenger delivering information to the base was treated to an extremely unusual sight, Orochimaru hanging from a tree. The Sannin was heavily unconscious, bound, gagged, blindfolded and dangling by his tongue. Orochimaru woke up halfway through the messenger's five hour long endeavour to untie Itachi's insanely complicated knot. The messenger did not live very long after his task was done. Consumed by rage, Orochimaru turned to find that the jewel of Otagakure, the most powerful, well defended base of Orochimaru's forces, was gone. All that was left were a series of craters, some still burning with black fire, and a single empty box of pocky.

/Yay, complete! Hopefully the next chapter will be up soon. Wow, this chapter was hard to write. Pein is difficult to make amusing. Once again, review and tell me what you thought. Good? Bad? Terrible? Amazing? Needed More Salt? Reviews are the lifeblood of this story, especially if they go into detail and they helps maketh my writings better. Up next... You really should be able to figure that one out on your own. Sayonara!/


	5. Tobi and Zetsu: Madarasama?

_A/N: I really have no excuse._

**IMPORTANT QUESTION AT BOTTOM OF PAGE**

**Tobi and Zetsu **

It was a wonderful day in the land of the magical ninjas, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping and the original Zetsu was becoming increasingly displeased with the actions of one Madara Uchiha.

The two had left immediately after Hidan had started his rant, with Tobi shaking his head and telling Zetsu about how Hidan was a very bad boy. After about five minutes, Tobi had suddenly stopped. Zetsu had interpreted this as Madara dropping his facade. What it had not expected was that the Uchiha would begin singing his very own interpretation of '_We are the Champions'. _Over. And over. And over.

The quiet sounds of wildlife was broken by a loud voice once more breaking into song.

"We are the Akatsuki, my friends!"

The white half of Zetsu flicked it's eye over to the singing man, while black Zetsu remained in a semi-delirious trance of tranquility.

"Madara-sama."

"And we'll keep on fighting, till the very end!"

"Madara-sama."

"We are missing nin, S-rank missing-nin!"

"Madara-sama."

"No time for losers, cause we've got your bijuu!"

"Madara-sama, what the hell are you doing?"

"Huh? Zetsu-san, Tobi doesn't know any Madara."

Black Zetsu ceased staring off into the distance, a look of confusion evident on his face

"**... Leader-san, is it really necessary to keep up this farce with just the two of us?"**

"Is this Madara a friend of yours? Tobi cannot see anyone else here. Is he hiding somewhere? Could he be hiding... In your icky plant head thingy?"

"Madara-sama..."

"What if he's hiding... IN MY ICKY PLANT HEAD THINGY!"

And there was silence.

"..."

"Did you like Tobi's new Akatsuki theme song?"

"..."

"Tobi wants to go through the ground again!"

The plant man's darker side somehow turned towards its significant other, beseeching him for permission.

"**Can we please eat him?**"

"He would kill us in an instant."

"**The... where did he go?"**

The plant man stared warily around the empty, flat plain they were traversing. Letting the masked man out of your sight was never a good idea, a fact that Sasori would have been able to attest to. Tobi had stolen all the instant kill poisons the pupeeteer usually coated his weapons with right before the Kazekage assignment. Sasori had been forced to use a shoddy substitute with a three-day death delay, leading to his unfortunate death at the hands of the rescue squad. Tobi had later used the poisons to stain Deidara's hair purple as he slept.

"Madara-sama?"

Silence

"Tobi?"

The devil's apprentice emerged from the ground, somehow smiling through his mask.

"Zetsu-san, Tobi was unable to find Madara underground."

White Zetsu began to groan.

"But look! Tobi found you a snack!"

The masked man presented Zetsu with a severed human arm.

"Tobi thought you might like it."

Both halves of Zetsu stared at Tobi, then at the arm, then at Tobi again. A tear formed in its eye.

"This is... the nicest thing anyone has ever given to us."

"**Th..thanks"**

Tobi saluted, rubbing the back of his head embarrassedly.

As the emotionally-vulnrable Zetsu crammed the arm into his mouth, he wondered if the next couple of days weren't going to be so bad after all. Sure, Madara seemed extremely reluctant to not be Tobi, but perhaps Deidara had just been exaggerating when he'd claimed that spending time with Tobi was like having your soul slowly consumed by a rabid puppy one small piece at a time. He had a feeling they'd be just fine.

This sentiment lasted exactly fifteen minutes, when the two halves of Zetsu noticed Tobi was walking behind it quietly cutting heart shapes into its plant with a large pair of gardening shears. Black Zetsu immediately began detatching himself from its lighter side.

"**Tobi..."**

"Yes, Zetsu-san?"

"**I am going to EAT YOUR SPLEEN!"**

"He will kill us!"

"**I DON"T CARE!"**

The once tranquil landscape was suddenly filled with cries of rage, protest and terror. Tobi ran for his life, arms flailing above his head as he screamed in fear. Chasing after him was black Zetsu, eye practically red with rage. Trailing closely behind it was white Zetsu, futilely attempting to calm it down.

It was not a good start to the mission.

...

...

...

...

...

An hour later, after white Zetsu had finally convinced his black counterpart not to rip Tobi a new hole, the Akatsuki members sat down for a heart-to-heart meeting about their mission.

"**I still want to eat him"**

"No"

"What's the mission, Zetsu-san?"

"Pein has instructed us to meet with a group of Jashinnists over a potential business agreement. Considering you gave him that instruction, you should know what's going on."

"Tobi doesn't give Pein orders. Tobi tried to demand a puppy once and Pein chased him round the hideout on a lobster."

Zetsu grimaced. He recalled the incident well and had never been entirely sure why the man whose utter lack of humor made the Hyuuga look like rodeo clowns would do something so utterly bizarre and slapstick just to... for absolutely no reason whatsoever!

"Does Zetsu-san think that the Jashinists will be Tobi's friends?"

"**Just... Sure, why not. In fact, give them hugs. Give them all hugs."**

The Uchiha suddenly froze. He slowly turned his head towards Black Zetsu, a calculating gleam in his eyes.

"Give the _Jashinists_ hugs you say?"

His voice was somehow different, colder, more calculating. White Zetsu turned towards his counterpart, fear and panic evident on his face

"Don't say things like that, it's practically treason and it's not like we aren't replaceable!" the white plant-half whispered furiously. The black half took on a nervous, _extremely _creepy grin

"**Umm... only of you want to?"**

Silence reigned for a good minute and a half. Suddenly:

"Tobi loves friends and hugs! Hey, come back plant-samas!"

The Zetsus slowly rose back out of the ground, irritation at being called back evident on their faces.

"Let's go have some hugs!"

…

…

…

…

…

…

Shadows stretched across the land as the Akatsuki members entered the tiny village designated in their mission scroll. The few villagers that were still out took one look at the recombined Zetsu and fled to their houses, believing locked doors to be more than a match for magic super-fighters who could teleport and summon fireballs by waving their hands. It was a highly tense situation, predictably broken by the ADHD-possessed Wonder-Uchiha.

"Lollypop Zetsu-san?"

The plant man sighed once more and shook his head.

"No thanks Tobi"

"**But if you have any fingers left..."**

"Not now _ebony-san_"

"**Don't call me that."**

A group of four figures in black cloaks emerged from a the village's pathetically small inn and walked towards the Akatsuki members in an intimidating display of obviously pre-choreographed marching.

"Ah, you must be the Akatsuki members we were supposed to meet." the tallest one declared.

"Ya think? No, we're bloody dago merchants"white Zetsu murmured to himself, getting a chortle from the annoyingly eavesdropping Tobi.

"**Indeed. We were told that you had some information for us."**

The Jashinist leader cackled quietly to himself, an insane sound that betrayed a deep, disturbing madness.

"Well that depends on what you're offering, freak"

White Zetsu stiffened slightly at the man's statement, something that did not go unnoticed by the Jashinists.

"Oh did we strike a raw nerve?"

"Self conscious are we?"

"Looking a little on the weedy side there"

"Guys, don't be mean, he hasn't done anything to you."

Three of the cloaked figures turned towards a fourth, glaring underneath their hoods. Tobi, who had been miraculously silent up until this point, put up his hand.

"Umm, he doesn't seem like you guys."

The Jashinist leader turned back to the Akatsuki members.

"Oh, Kaide? He used to be one of Jashin's most bloodthirsty followers. Then he went on a door to door Jashin's witness round in some village and was found a week later crying in a training field. Something really messed him up good.

The Jashinist being referred to began shivering, unwanted traumatic memories bursting to life within his mind.

_/FLASHBACK/_

_KILLING PEOPLE BY TAKING THEIR BLOOD? HOW UNYOUTHFUL! CLEARLY YOU MUST BE ENLIGHTENED TO THE POWER OF YOUTHHHHHHHH!"_

Ignoring Kaide, who appeared to be having a trauma-induced seizure, the Jashinist leader turned back to the Akatsuki members, pulling down his hood to revel an ugly, balding middle-aged man.

"So, what have you got to offer us?"

Before Zetsu could answer, Tobi stepped foward.

"HUGS!"

"...what?"

"**What my partner means to say..."**

As Black Zetsu tried to run damage control, Tobi spoke again.

"Hugs for all of you!"

The zealot stared at Tobi, unable to comprehend the situation.

"Are you mocking us?"

"An eternal friendship!"

"Are you trying to say that you whether our data is useful? OK, here's a sample. The Hachibi jinchuuriki is incredibly sneaky, if he thinks he is in danger of loosing he will disguise himself as an octopus ten..."

"A friendship that will stretch to the stars above!"

The man stared beseechingly at white Zetsu, who was staring back maliciously. Tobi yelled once more, this time at one of the men standing behind the leader.

"Hey!"

"...Me?"

"You! Do you want a lollipop zealot-kun?"

Tobi raised a large rainbow coloured lollipop, waving it at the confused man

"Uh, no?"

"It's multi-flavoured!"

"No, really, that's OK."

"It's very tasty!"

The Jashinist leader snapped out of his confused trance and stepped forward, slapping the lollipop out of Tobi's hand. It fell, landing in the grey dust, completely ruined.

"This is ridiculous! This is a serious meeting, not a..."

The man stopped, mostly because Tobi's hand was circled around his throat in an iron grip.

"You defiled zealot-kun's lollipop."

Nasty chocking sounds came from within the man's throat as he flailed his arms uselessly. Tobi turned to Zetsu, for once completely and utterly still. His voice, although quiet, contained authority to command demons.

"Zetsu. Go underground. Now."

The plant man nodded and began sinking into the ground. Tobi's wo... no, _Madara's _words brooked no argument.

…

…

…

…

…

…

Zetsu emerged two minutes later to the sound of cheerful whistling. He was confronted with a scene out of a horror movie. Body parts littered the ground, fingers and toes mixed with cold, grey dust. A fine red mist hung in the air. The Jashinists who had not contributed to the destruction of the lollipop were in huddles on the ground, shivering uncontrollably.

Tobi himself was leaning on a wall. Upon his head was half of the Jashinist's cranium, eyes still intact and darting everywhere.

It took a few seconds before either of the halves of Zetsu could speak.

"**Bro?"**

Madara/Tobi looked up

"Hm?"

"**You are evil."**

"Zetsu-sama! There are a couple of shins still intact if you want them"

And immaturity reigned once more. The two halves of Zetsu shrugged.

"**A meal's a meal"**

As the plant man started eating the remnants of the unfortunate zealot, one of the remaining Jashinists raised a hand.

"Umm... Mr Madara-sama sir"

Tobi looked up, shock evident even with his mask on.

"Madara is here? We must find him at once! Quick, help me search!"

"But..."

"_Help. Me. Search."_

Shaking even more, the three men scanning the environment, looking for all the world like a group of fully-grown adults playing hide and seek. The one who had spoken before worked up his courage and spoke again.

""

Zetsu looked up from its scrounging, a finger hanging out of its full mouth.

"Huh? Ho, hat's hohay."

The three men looked at each other, then at the Akatsuki members, then fled into the night.

…

…

…

…

…

…

What many of the people in that small, rural village saw that night through slitted cracks in their windows was a traumatic, terrifying experience. As the Akatsuki members left the village and vanished into the night, the people of that village met in the center of the village and decided that never again would they be subjected to such terror, such brutality, from ninjas like that ever again. The would rise up, for their deeply psychologically scarred children, and turn against the ninjas in a glorious People's Revolution. A new order would rise, of peace and freedom and ninja-hunting. Sadly, the whole thing came to an unceremonious end the next morning when the entire village was wiped out by a giant wave made of water sharks.

**IMPORTANT** A/N: After the next chapter meeting at Akatsuki base (which looks as to be coming in 2017) there is still a loose thread to tie up. Meaning of course the self-insert fangirl with the powers of several kage curently heading towards Konoha. Basically, it will go like this:

_Two teams of Akatsuki members, four members in total, are heading towards Konoha. What they find is a village overtaken by the fangirl, who has made some BIG changes. Couplings have been enforced, Endo Tensai has been used to resurrect and pair Sasori and Kimimaro together and the Hokage monument has been altered to have the Hokages making out. A few Konoha ninja have escaped and are running a resistance against her iron fist, notably Naruto and his Kage Bunshin army, who the fangirl is tearing up Fire Country to find and pair with her and Sasuke. The vast majority of Konaha is under her brainwashed control._

_An Akatsuki and Konoha coalition is formed, centered around her destruction. Thrills! Spills! Awkward Situations! All that and more, coming in the future!_

_I want anyone who cares to answer two questions, which will deeply affect the story._

_1. Pick the four Akatsuki members you want to come to Konoha. One of them has to be either Kisame, Itachi or Pain, all others are entirely up to you._

_2. Pick two Konoha ninja who have escaped the fangirl's malevolent grasp._

_Due to me re-reading my previous author's notes and finding them horrible, I will end here. Review._


	6. Ominous Clouds

_Your friendly neighbourhood fanfic writer here. I'm here with the latest chapter (in case you hadn't figured out), despite a less than encouraging response. Seriously, how am I supposed to see what the people want with only one review? Anywaaaaay, here's the next installment in my epic(y) story. But I hope I get a larger response or_

_. IM NOT GOING TO POST THE NEXT CHAP LOL_

_._

_. No, that's douchebag style. I'm just kidding_

_._

_. OR AM I?_

_._

_. Yes, I am._

_._

_. What, you didn't trust me?_

_._

_. I thought we had something special!_

_._

_. We're done professionally!_

_By the way, don't forget I'm taking votes for the main characters of the story. In case you've forgotten, the insane self-insert has taken over Konoha, and due to events four select members of the Akatsuki are heading to everyone's favorite Hidden Village to take her down. There are also three Konoha inhabitants who have managed to escape her grasp, and are holding out against her tyrannical, pairing-forcing rampage. One is Naruto, YOU DECIDE the other two (+ the four Akatsuki members, if you didn't get it)._

_Here are the current combined stats from the two sites I run this story on:_

**Akatsuki**

Itachi: **2**

Nagato/Pein: **2**

Deidara: **2**

Marada/Tobi: **2**

Hidan: **1**

**Konoha**

Kakashi: **2**

Neji: **2**

Tsunade: **1**

Shikamaru: **1**

Shikaku: **1**

Sasuke: **1**

Sakura: **-1**

...

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...

...

...

...

Rain poured from the heavens as the two Amekagure Akatsuki members stood in the rain waiting for their underlings to arrive. The sunny clearing the base entrance was hidden in had become a swampy quagmire, a wet uncomfortable hellhole filled with mud and debris.

Konan shuffled uncomfortably under her logic-defying waterproof paper umbrella. Yahiko's corpse was standing rock-still next to her, staring out blankly into the sodden trees around them. One of the more unusual problems with having your friend turn into a living zombie with dry-apple skin who communicated almost entirely through puppet corpses was that it made for REALLY awkward conversation. The unexpected freezing rain and flooded hideout wasn't helping matters, something about a huge new body of water appearing out of nowhere and messing with the weather patterns? Kami damn it, she needed to say _something._

"Hey Nagato?" she asked

The Yahiko corpse turned towards her, fixating her with those damned swirly blueberry eyes.

"Yes Konan?"

A moment of silence, as Konan hadn't really thought any further into the conversation than that.

"Umm... What... What movies have, um, you... Nevermind?" she finished lamely, trying to sink back into herself.

The Akatsuki leader stared blankly at her.

"I don't watch movies, Konan."

"Oh yeah."

Comfortable silence quickly became uncomfortable. As the rain continued to pour, Konan alternately cursed herself for not trying harder to develop Nagato's social skills and cursed the other Akatsuki members for being late. Now that she thought about it, why were they late? Kakuzu especially had always been punctual, for him to be late like this was against every greedy principal he stood for.

Two figures appeared in the gloom, melding out of the trees to become Zetsu and Tobi. The two (three?) Akatsuki members were chatting animatedly, slapping eachother on the back at regular intervals. Tobi seemed even more exuberant than usual, apparently coming to the end of some 'hilarious' story about his life"

"And when the man woke up, his skeleton was missing and Tobi was never heard from again! And that's how Tobi lost his medical license!"

Both halves of Zetsu burst into hysterical laughter.

Konan cleared her throat, leading the plant-man to realize it was standing in front of a man who could kill it in seconds, and shut up.

"I see you've returned."

Black Zetsu nodded sarcastically.

**"Wow I hadn't noticed Princess Obvio... Gurk" **

Deva Path turned from where his hand was now wrapped around Zetsu's throat and nodded to Konan

"Proceed."

"Thank you Nagato. As I was saying, I take it the mission was a success?"

The two halves of Zetsu began stammering nervously

"Umm... **well...**"

Luckily for the spy, the guilty culprit was more than eager to confess, thereby saving Zetsu from a broken neck.

"Tobi-sama killed them leader-sama! Are w**e going to have problems?" **As the man spoke, sinister note crept into his voice, a palpable aura of danger engulfing the clearing. Pein impassively flicked his eyes onto Tobi.

"No."

**"Good. In th**at case, who wants to go swimming in mud puddles?"

As Tobi began rolling around in the mud, the other present Akatsuki members quickly moved to the other side of the clearing. A metaphorical lightbulb lit up above Konan's head.

"Nagato? What's delaying your other body?"

"Kisame's sword got sick, and he insisted that we take it to a vet. It took a very long time."

"Why? There should have been one in your designated region"

"We broke into his house and threatened to consume his soul unless he helped the sword. He had an epileptic fit and we had to spend the next sixteen hours nursing him back to health."

"..."

Suddenly, the three S-ranked criminals looked up as a foreign sound entered their hearing range.

"Gldimstdygldimstdygldimstdy"

Lifting his hand, Pein silently signified to move into a defensive formation. The sound drew nearer, combined with the sound of highly rapid footsteps. Suddenly, a terrified Deidara burst into the clearing, followed by a screaming, bloodied, _very _angry Hidan waving a triple-bladed scythe in a highly deranged-esque manner.

"Goldiemustdie!Goldiemustdie!GOLDIEMUSTDIE!"

"OH THE FEAR, UN!"

"Upon hearing his beloved master's scream of abject terror, faithful Tobi leapt out of the mud.

"FEAR NOT DEIDARA-SEMPAI! TOBI WILL **SAVE** YOU!

"TOBI-BAKA, GET OUT OF THE WAY, UN!"

Sidestepping the fleeing Deidara, Tobi planted himself squarely in Hidan's path.

"Hidan-sama. I know you're upset. But think, what will killing Deidara-sempai really accomplish? Look deep into yourself, what would Jashin want you to do?"

This was not the correct line of argument to take. Even more fury blossomed across Hidan's twisted face as he charged on with renewed vigour.

"JASHIN DEMANDS BLOOD! THE YELLOW ONE MUST DIE! I WILL BATHE IN HIS BLOOD!"

Tobi sadly shook his head.

"Then you will face my most powerful Jutsu"

Black Zetsu gulped.

Reaching onto his back, Tobi pulled out of nowhere an impossibly large mallet.

**Hiton: Mallet no Jutsu!**

Swinging the oversized hardware tool with force belaying his slight stature, Tobi smashed the mallet across Hidan's face with Tsunade-esque strength, sending him flying towards the foliage.

"Oh $&#^ no not the $&#^ing treeeeeeeesssssssssss... **THUNK!**"

White Zetsu turned to the slightly horrified Konan and Deidara, who by this point was slinking cautiously back into the clearing and staring at the bloody mess in front of him.

"Well, there's a lesson in this for all of us. That lesson being that the human body contains a surprisingly large amount of blood, and with a great enough physical trauma it can pretty much all come out at once. To conclude Pein-sama, can I eat him?"

"No."

"Aww..."

"If we'd all like to stop taking about Zetsu's disturbing cannibalistic tendencies" said Deidara, who had snapped out of his disturbed trance, "You might be interested to know that our mission was a success, which I'm going to guess is more than can be said for Tobi, un." Tobi turned towards him, and somehow visibly smiled under his mask.

"Bubbles!"

Black Zetsu, on the other hand appeared mildly offended.

**"Disturbing? Interesting choice of words from one who holds three-way make-out sessions with himself"**

"Lies! Lies and slander!"

"Enough!" Pain yelled, surprising everyone. "Despite the fact that you successfully completed your mission, the fact that you had to have Tobi rescue you from imminent death shows that you and Hidan are not an effective pairing. I am highly disappointed in the way you have conducted yourselves as Akatsuki members! Therefor, the two of you will not be working together again.

Twin cries of joy came from Deidara and the unconscious Hidan.

White Zetsu nudged his darker half.

"See? I told you controlling a female body would make him PMS... Gurk!"

Konan squeezed her hand around the plant's throat, drawing him close enough so that only they could hear what they were saying.

"I'm doing you a favor shutting you up, mention that within Lord Pein's hearing and he will kill you. Are we clear?"

**"Kuhhh.. Yes, crystal!" **

Pein turned to his angel, who was holding the plant-man off the ground by his throat.

"Konan, what are you doing?" The woman released Zetsu and smiled sweetly

"Nothing, Pein-sama."

"What were..."

"Oh look, Itachi's back!"

The Akatsuki members not unconscious or insane (too insane) turned and indeed found Itachi standing behind them. The Uchiha looked significantly worse for wear than usual, his cloak torn and ripped and his body covered in gashed and scratches. Tied to his back were two enormous sacks, one of which appeared to be struggling and moaning.

Tobi looked up from where he was once more swimming in mud

"Itachi-sama! Where is Kakuzu-san?"

"In the bag."

Konan and Pein looked at each other, for the first time in a while simultaneously lost for words. Konan started speaking very slowly, as if talking to an elderly relative, a child or an unexpectedly homicidal nutbag holding the manager of the organization's entire finances in a sack.

"Itachi-san? Why is Kakuzu in a bag?"

"He went insane."

"And why did he go insane, Uchiha?" Pein growled, anger growing in his normally blank eyes. Deidara snickered.

"Heh, it does make him hormon... Gurk!"

Zetsu smirked. Pein turned away from the asphyxiating Deidara and stared into Itachi's eyes.

"Answer me."

"I... Tsukomied him."

"Put him down, Uchiha. **Now.**"

Itachi untied the sacks from his shoulders and slung them to the ground. One fell open to reveal a large number of 1,000 ryo bills. Out of the other fell an angry, insane-looking Kakuzu, who quickly moved to all fours and began growling angrily. Pein took a step forward, Deidara still dangling from his clenched hand.

"Kakuzu. Are you alright?" Deidara glared at the man.

"Hey, you didn't seem concerned when Hidan was trying to kill m... Gurk!"

Kakuzu moaned and began rolling around on the ground. Pein turned to Zetsu.

"Do you have any herbs to cure this?"

Zetsu shook his head.

"It's a sickness of the mind. I highly doubt he'll ever recover"

"Akatsuki has no use for a broken employee. it appears... Tobi what are you doing?"

The masked man looked up from where he was bending Kakuzu.

"Fixing him!" Konan groaned, and put her head in her hands.

"Tobi... Please, put down the spanner."

"Yes Konan-san!"

"And the wrench."

"Yes, Konan-san!"

"Aaaaand the power drill."

"Ok!"

Deidara turned from the rapidly growing pile of power tools to stare into Pein's eyes.

"I'll stop him if you put me down." Pein thought about it for a second, lamenting agreeing to Madara's farce.

"Deal."

The orange haired man released the youth, causing him to fall into a heap. Getting up, and grumbling as he did so, Deidara walked over to Tobi, who was still engaged in his conversation with an increasingly pissed Konan.

"And the saw."

"Hai!"

"And the... what is that?"

Tobi looked down, and saw himself wielding a large jackhammer.

"I have no idea!"

As Tobi said this, he felt something sticky land on his back. Instantly recognizing the feeling, he _slowly_ turned around, resigned dread creeping into his voice.

"Deidara-sempai has covered Tobi's clothes in explosive clay, hasn't he?"

Deidara grinned.

"Yep, Katsu!"

**KABOOM**!

Ignoring the smoking crater in front of him, Deidara pulled a 500 ryo note from his pocket and walked over to the other side of the clearing, where Kakuzu had curled up in a ball after moving away from the annoyingly loud Tobi (who hadn't noticed, being too busy abusing his ability to warp space and time to summon hardware tools).

"Kakuzu, if you snap out of this I'll give you 500 ryo." The aforementioned man looked up, growled, then noticed the bill.

"Make it 900 and we're good."

Deidara shrugged and pulled out a couple more notes, handing them to the geriatric, who cuddled them protectively for a couple of seconds then looked back up at Itachi.

"Why am I lying on the ground, why is my memory missing and what happened over the last two days?"

The Uchiha stared at him. He had been hoping that the mental trauma that Kakuzu had suffered would be enough to cripple his financial ability and thereby harm Akatsuki's efforts, but it seemed as if the man had unconsciously mentally blocked the memories.

"We had trouble over during the mission." he said.

Kakuzu stared at him.

"Is that why you are covered in wounds?" White Zetsu queried

Itachi's finger twitched, the equivalent of a normal person stuttering and sweating rivers.

"I put Kakuzu in a sack. That's how I sustained my injuries."

"What! WHY?" Kakuzu asked angrily, with an unusual surplus of emotion.

"It was very hard to get you in the sack."

"That's not what I meant, boy! I'll **kill** you for this humiliation!"

Konan mentally slapped herself for suggesting new partnerships to Nagato. Homicidal tendencies had always been in a reality within Akatsuki, but this was a _whole _new level. Surprisingly, it was Deidara who stepped between the two.

"Perhaps you should hear out his reasoning first." he said, holding his arms in a placing gesture.

"Thank you" Itachi muttered quietly in a monotone. Deidara smirked.

"Heh, I don't want anyone gunning for you but me, Uchiha."

Kakuzu lifted his arm, dark threads twisting in an aggressive manner.

"So, whelp, tell me why I shouldn't end your existence right now." he growled. Itachi pulled a scroll off his belt and tossed at his feet.

"It's a message I intercepted from one of your bounty hunter contacts leaking information about your whereabouts to Takigakure, which I believe is your old village. I thought you might appreciate learning that one of your contacts has betrayed you."

Kakuzu picked up the scroll and opened it suspiciously. As his eyes fell on the message inside, they widened, then narrowed immediately.

"He is going to pay. Dearly."

Itachi inwardly congratulated himself on his action. The man also had been leaking information about Konoha and Sasuke for years now, and with Kakuzu's unwitting help he would soon be minus a heart. Plus Kakuzu would no longer be attempting to kill him. Win/Win.

Kisame and another of Pein's bodies emerged from the trees, surprising a number of Akatsuki members who had been caught up in the drama in front of them. Kisame spotted Itachi and immediately headed over to him.

"Itachi! You would not believe the s$^# I've been through in the past two days." Itachi raised an eyebrow.

"Hn?"

"Yeah, we met this ulgh..." Kisame swallowed his words in mid-sentence as he remembered that Itachi has firmly requested to never again be reminded of _The Incident_, promising pain if his memory blocks were ever broken.

"You know what? Never mind." He said hurriedly. The Uchiha shot him a mildly confused look, and turned away.

Zetsu suddenly froze, a look of confusion on its face.

"There is a clone of the Kyuubi jinchuuriki running very fast around a kilometer west of here!"

Hidan, who had just awoken, jumped up with a shout.

"Jinchuuriki! Where!" Kakuzu speedily walked across the clearing and slapped him hard across the head.

"It's just a clone, absolutely no use to us."

Hidan turned and glared

"Thanks, missed you too buddy."

"Still, perhaps we should see what he wants." Pein orated pensively. "Konan, Itachi, Kisame, disguise yourselves as Suna ninja and follow me. The rest of you, wait here."

The three nodded and henged themselves as non-descript looking ninja from the Village Hidden in the Sand, as did Pein's two present bodies. The five headed out, leaving behind an irritated group of missing nin angry at being left behind.

...

...

...

...

...

The Naruto clone ran frantically, desperate to reach someone, anyone, before it ran out of chakra. Using its super-Kyuubified hearing, the clone caught the sound of footsteps in the distance. Fearing that it would be agents of _her_, but needing to take the risk, the clone began heading off in the direction of the sounds.

As it ran, it caught a flashback from another dispelled Kage Bunshin

"_Aww, you were looking for help for your village, were you? Dat's so cuuuute! Sadly, __**I can't let you do that, Naruto-kun.**__"_

"_For the love of god Ibiki, what the hell is wrong with you? Listen to yourself! Break free of her control! OH DEAR KAMI NOT THE DE-SPLEENIFIER!"_

The bunshin shuddered to itself. Of the hundreds of clones, only a couple could be left by now. It needed help now!

Homing in on the voices, the clone lept through the trees. Landing in a tiny grotto, it was confronted by five ninja wearing Suna headbands. The clone sighed in relief.

"Please, you have to help me!" it practically yelled

The central ninja looked up, a blank expression on it's face.

"What is it you seek, Kyuubi Jinchuuriki?" he asked.

"Konoha has... wait, how do you know what I am?"

"Gaara-sama has informed us of your tenant." The raven-haired, oddly familiar ninja to the left interjected smoothly. "We ask you again, what is it you seek? You seem concerned."

"Konoha has been enslaved!"

The Suna ninja froze. The raven-haired ninja clenched his fists.

"What?" The question was tinged with disbelief and anger. "Who? How?"

The clone began speaking as fast as it could, it's chakra quickly running out.

"She came to the village gate, y'know, all beat up and that, and we took her to the hospital, but she snuck out and she... she was so strong! She said she wanted to become a ninja, then she cast this huge genjutsu and started using this... something on people, and she took over their minds and started making them do _things to each other._ She took over Konoha ALL BY HERSELF!"

A female Suna ninja stepped forward.

"Ninja! Who is she? What does she look like?"

The clone shuddered.

"I don't know, it just calls herself "The Empress'. It's a teenage girl with pink hair..."

Three of the Suna ninja froze in place.

"Red clothes, a plastic Konoha headband and glowing purple eyes with Sharingan commas in them. Look, I'm only a clone and I'm about to dispel. You need to get to Gaara and tell him what's going on. She's raising an army!" the bunshin yelled frantically

The dark-haired ninja walked forward and put his hand on the clone's shoulder.

"We'll help. Where can we find you?" The clone broke out of it's panic for a second and chuckled to itself.

"I'll know when you're there. Trust me, I'll know." The clone looked down at itself. "I've gotta go. Oh, yeah, Don't let her touch your neck!"

With those parting words, the clone exploded into smoke.

...

...

...

...

...

...

The five S-ranked ninja dropped their disguises. Before the others could speak, Kisame turned to Itachi and stared into his eyes.

"Itachi, I'm sorry that I have to do this. _Hugs of Despair!"_

Itachi fell to his knees, rising a few seconds later with his terrible memories restored thanks to their pre-agreed keyword.

"Oh Kami, It's one of them." he sai... moaned, his eyes a touch wider than usual.

Kisame turned to the other Akatsuki members, fear etched in his blue face.

"Pein-sama, loth as I am to admit it, we need to help Konoha." he declared. Itachi nodded.

"Sir, we need to nip this in the bud _right _row. If this girl is left alone she will become more dangerous than you could ever imagine."

"Please explain what the two of you are talking about." Konan said irritably. "I can think of no conceivable reason why this is our problem. Pein-sama?"

Deva Pein shook his head slightly.

"Whoever this girl is, she knows far more about me than I am comfortable with. If what the Jinchuuriki said was true, she is powerful enough to conquer Konoha, and this makes her a threat to Akatsuki."

"She came from another realm, this makes her highly dangerous." Kisame interjected helpfully.

Both Peins nodded, eyes hard.

"Very well. First we'll meet back up with the others. Then, we go to Konoha."

_S&$^ just got real. Read, and please review, it encourages me. Also, vote in the poll. Go do that._


	7. Note of the Author

**Note of the Author**

Hey everyone, I'm writing this because I've got a tiebreaker on who goes to Konoha and who doesn't (if you don't understand what I'm talking about check the last two chapters) so I'm hoping for votes to decide it. Stats are:

Akatsuki:

Itachi: **4**

Nagato/Pein: **3**

Deidara: **2**

Madara/Tobi: **3**

Hidan: **3**

Kakuzu:** 3**

Kisame: **1**

Konan: **1**

Konoha:

Kakashi: **3**

Neji: **2**

Tsunade: **1**

Shikamaru: **3**

Shikaku: **2**

Sasuke: **1**

Shino: **1**

Yamato: **1**

Sakura: **-1** (someone said they really didn't want sakura included in the story)

So vote away! My last two chapters got 1 and 4 reviews respectively, which compared to the 7, 7, 8, 9 of earlier chapters is kinda weird. Anyway, review and I'll update soon as my exams are over (and I've finished celebrating my exams being over).


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